Opening Up
[Based on Jessie from the Toy Story]
I try to walk away from what haunts me.
It's my past.
I can't let them see.
I'm vulnerable, weak.
I'm not who you think I am.
Hiding the pain behind my genial smile
Is the best I could do.
They think I'm that girl,
Sassy and sweet.
Rambunctious and adventurous, too.
But there's something different, wrong.
A million eyes are on me.
It's obvious.
They see the pain
And they offer a hand.
I confess that I'm okay.
But it's not enough to convince them.
I appreciate the help
But I'd rather stay independent.
They call me stubborn and hard headed.
They just don't know why.
They don't understand.
I want to open up to them.
I want to be released from this box
I'm trapped in.
It's just too complicated.
I just can't.
I'm afraid.
Once I get close to them,
they'll leave.
I know.
I was abandoned once,
I can't be abandoned again.
But I'm gonna try
To open up.
It's worth a shot.
Maybe I'll actually learn something
Or even find something.
That's friendship and trust.
Hi Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI really like your poem and I think it matches you and I like the choice you made in using Jessie from Toy Story. I really like your word choice like abandoned, complicated, genial, independent, and rambunctious, you used words that really capture what you are trying to say (your personality). Your poem has a really good rhythm and beat to it. You also do an really good job of sentence fluency through repetition. For example, I want to open up to them. I want to be released from this box. However, one thing you could change is the last line in your poem "That's friendship and trust." I think you could take out "That's" and just have Friendship and trust. Another thing you could work on is I think you could be a bit more selective of the parts of Jessie you put in. Like I think you could go without the 1st stanza and start with the 2nd stanza because it seems like you are trying too hard to show the allusion and it doesn't really seem like you. Other than that your poem is very good.
-Mikayla Domingo
Hey Mel!
ReplyDeleteMy first impression of your poem was that it was a little long. The first two stanzas maybe explain a little too much." hiding the pain behind my genial smile is the best I could do" I feel as if this part is a little unnecessaru. The very last line " that's friendship and trust" it doesn't sound right. Maybe try to reword that or tweak it up a bit. There are just several lines of the poem that take away from the fluency of your writing. I feel like it has too much detail. For example the line when you say " it's just too complicated" that whole stanza was just about being trapped and that line isn't necessary.
Good luck! Mel hope your poem goes great !
Sierra
Hi Mel (Shorty ;)
ReplyDeleteNice job on your poem. Good job of going deeper into the character and you and of trying for more specific language and complex structures.
Mikayla did a great job of commenting on the rhythm in your poem and I think her suggestion for revisions were good ones.
Sierra, you need to be more specific in your critiques. You mention things to fix but don't really give specific advice on how to do it. It's not enough to say something "isn't necessary"...and, basically, a lot of the recommendations were just not accurate.
mrs s